2020 Year in Review

 This year has been hard on pretty much everyone, I would venture to guess. Maybe for us, it was hard for different reasons than for most. To be honest, COVID didn't really impact our lives. Because of the lifestyle we live, we really didn't change anything about our daily lives. I know we're very lucky to be able to say that. 

2020 was hard on us in much different ways. Just before the end of 2019, I started having pregnancy complications and they carried into the New Year. I started my year being pretty much house bound, and also being sick enough that I had no desire to leave the house anyways. In March, I called Tyrell one day and told him he needed to come home from work. I couldn't breathe and was afraid I would pass out if I got off the couch. We went right to the emergency room at Timpanogos and dropped Tell off at Great-Grandma's house. 

They did a CT scan and it was discovered that I had a pulmonary embolism. After that, I was hospitalized off and on until the baby came, which was a little scary also! I started into labor the morning of my scheduled C-Section, and as soon as they hooked me up to the baby monitors, I had a contraction and his heart rate deceled pretty bad. They prepped me immediately instead of waiting until the time they had scheduled. My doctor said we couldn't wait the full time for the spinal to kick in fully, and so I felt a lot of cutting-tearing-stretching-pulling. But as soon as I heard that first little cry, and the doctor say, 

"It's a boy! And not a small boy!"

None of the pain or the months of sickness, depression, and general misery mattered in the least.

Castle has been a huge blessing and source of peace in our lives. He is the calm for me in the every day storms. 

I had a hard time recovering from this delivery, and had infections and mastitis and seemingly endless complications, and really didn't feel like I was on the uphill for 3 or 4 months. 

This year has been hard on our animals and on our peace as well. Our cute milk cow that I adored had to be put down in July, and my favorite little horse just a month or two later. Our best dog that we've had for 6 years got killed just after weaning her pups. 

We have been in limbo, not knowing what to do next with our lives and not knowing where we should go, yet knowing it feels like it is time to make a change. We so love where we are, the ranch we work for, and the people we are lucky to call our ranch family. It has been the only home we have known together. However, we know we can't stay forever. And so this year has been hard on our peace of mind.

In November, our little Cas was diagnosed with infantile spasms. It was a scary time, not knowing if it would impede his development or if he had some sort of abnormality he would live with for the rest of his life. Our prayers were answered, and Priesthood blessings were given. Our little fella responded quickly to treatment, and our neurologist says that our outcome was absolutely best case scenario. While we don't know whether or not he will develop more seizures or epilepsy later on in life, for now he is doing so well and we couldn't be more grateful for that.

So, while 2020 offered us plenty of hardship and obstacles to overcome, I have grown and learned so much.

I learned that no matter how hard the waves of life pound you, and try to drown you, and just keep coming over and over again even when you thought you were in the clear, it isn't hard to stay optimistic. It is so easy to see all of the wonderful blessings we have. Having faith and sticking close to one another is what has brought my family through the jungle of 2020 with smiles on our faces.

I have learned, or rather reaffirmed, that I am married to an absolute saint. Choosing to love me and treat me with kindness and respect despite the total change of personality when I am pregnant is just the icing on the cake. We have broken down barriers and learned so much about each other this year. We have renewed our promise to love each other for better or worse, and a lot of times this year it was the latter for both of us. Knowing that you have someone to stand beside you and pick you up when you're down in the dirt is an amazing feeling. Marriage is never 50/50 and we have both spend our share being the 20% person. We both know we're allowed that because the other person will pick up the slack and push on for both of us. We have become much closer and much stronger this year.

I learned that I just don't deserve my beautiful boys. Tell is my sunshine and makes all my days brighter with his constant laughter and a smile never far from his lips. I have learned more about unconditional love from my children than I even knew could exist. They love me on my grumpy days, my haven't-showered-for-a-while days, my impatient days where I yell more than I should, and everything in between. They both want to cuddle with me, give me loves and kisses, and Tell is always saying "Love you mom!" I really don't deserve these angel boys.

We have fallen on some wonderful opportunities and a lot of answered prayers in the last month. My cute husband keeps pushing me to follow my dreams, and makes sure I'm there to work colts with him. He pushes me past my fears and makes me get on some (the gentle ones). He pushes me to take time for myself and rediscover my first love and passion, which is working with my horses, the young ones in particular. My family has become my greatest passion, and so my kids get most of my time as they should. But Ty knows that I need a break every once in a while and makes sure I take one.

I am beyond grateful for the life and the family Ty and I have created together. It's all I've ever wanted, and more than I could've possibly dreamed. I can't wait to see where 2021 takes us. I have a feeling it's going to be a big year for us, and hopefully we will see some fulfilled dreams. No matter what happens, I'm so lucky to do life with my family, and all of my people. I'm grateful for every single one of you!

XO, the Cowboy's Wife

Were You Awake Too?

It's currently 2:23 a.m. and my little one won't sleep. Were you awake too?

I can feel the exhaustion through my bones beginning to seep...were you awake too?

Over the weary miles you traveled, only to find no room in the inn.

A young, innocent mother-to-be, so pure and free of sin.

It was late when you finally found a place, so I know it was late when He came.

Your body, worn and travel weary, now also wracked with pain.

I suspect you did as I do, though, instead of sleeping for a time,

You stayed awake because you couldn't help but stare at your little one Divine. 

Did you lay him down in the manger so you could rest for a while?

Or did you hold him close, and stare at that sleepy smile?

Were you overcome with the thought that He is your responsibility now?

The Son of God, a tiny babe, sleeping in your arms with furrowed brow.

I'm certain that in the wee hours, you stayed up thinking it through. Why did God choose me? You wondered. I think the same things too.

I know that God believed in you, and so I know he believes in me. Mothers, He knows, are the ones who will teach us carefully. 

So every night, when my son won't sleep, I wonder the whole night through,

Late at night in that stable in Bethlehem, were you awake too?

The Spirit of the Season

My husband asked me once why I go "Christmas crazy". It happens to a lot of us, as soon as Thanksgiving is over. We feel that spirit of the season, and it totally takes over! It's also crazy busy....Christmas shopping, wrapping presents, making treats for neighbors, planning parties, finishing up Christmas orders for customers...the list goes on. Sometimes, it gets so stressful and that's the opposite of what Christmas is supposed to be. So why do I do it?

For me, it isn't about the presents. Or needing new things. Or keeping up appearances. 

It is about celebrating the greatest gift of all, the birth of a Savior. I feel the best way to celebrate that is to give back in any way I can. 

It's important to me to make sure the people who help us, love us, and support us all year long know just how much we appreciate them. It's important to me to help someone in need. It's important to me to spend quality time with the people I love. It's important to me to make this time of year magical for my kids and create lasting traditions that they will remember, and someday continue in their own families.

So sure, it is a lot to do in one month. But I wouldn't have it any other way!

Old Soul

Dear Old Soul,

Do you love things that make your life feel like an old-time movie reel, like I do? Do you prefer the scratch of vinyl to the perfect sound of new age electronics? Have you come to realize that living your life in an "old fashioned" way gives you more purpose? That it's much easier to live intentionally? 

I love old fashioned things...I love my 1950s record player, dancing to Ronnie Milsap in the living room in the lantern light, and hanging clothes on the line in the summer sun. I love listening to my grandparents tell me stories about their childhood, and about my ancestors. Their stories inspire me and help me know where I come from. 

I love the smell of homemade bread baking in the oven and I enjoy making a home cooked meal for my family.

I like antique stores, finding a few special pieces and giving them new life. I love to imagine where they came from and how the people who owned them must have enjoyed them.

I love living off the grid, though I don't get the chance too often. I love cooking over a fire and just enjoying the company of the people I love without any of the distractions of the modern world.

I love to read REAL books...mostly old westerns. I also love to listen to books on tape while I'm driving instead of listening to music. 

I love to write letters and having a pen pal is so much more exciting than sending a text. 

Something about the instant gratification of all the modern day technology completely takes away our appreciation for things like snail mail. I often wish we could just go back! I always swear I was born in the wrong century. Being an old soul in today's world can really make you a misfit...but I wouldn't have it any other way.

A Quarter of a Century Ago

You watch her bounce a baby on her hip while another little one runs loose around you. She hums to the baby to soothe him and grabs the wild, outstretched arm of the toddler as he runs by. He screams and stomps his feet with discontent. 

You think back on all the memories you have like this of you with your babies...at the time overwhelming and now nostalgic. You'd give anything to have those days back again, if only for a little while. The things you might've done differently, you tell yourself. And yet, you must have done something right. The girl you're watching is yours, after all. She's a good mama to those boys. 

You watch the baby stare at her and you long for that sweet gaze again. To be somebody's entire world. It's exhausting and draining but you never felt more needed, more important. It feels like yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. A quarter of a century ago. You can't believe it. Time is such a thief. 

Time is also a beautiful blessing, you realize as you watch your grandson. He is a hilarious, vivacious child, so full of life and laughter. There aren't many children like this one. Your role as a grandma might just be your favorite one. Mama was...is...the greatest role of your life. But grandma? It's a whole new world of fun and memories to come.

Dear Sister...

Dear Sister,

I know all you've ever wanted was to be a Mama. I know that for a heart wrenchingly long time, you've wondered why it hasn't happened for you yet. You watch friends and family having baby after baby, and even those others with infertility are having success. So why haven't you? 

You sort of let go of hope, I know. You thought maybe it wasn't in the cards for you. You love your nieces and nephews like your own...is that enough? You tell yourself it is for now but you know it isn't. 

I know your life has been insane for the 7 years you've been married. You've held on for dear life to faith and knowing that God has a plan for your life because it is what keeps you sane. 

Now though, things are settling down. Your husband is always home and all those cross country moves have ended for a while. You've found a beautiful place you both love and can see a future there. And for the first time in years, you have hope shining in your heart again. I know you're afraid to let the sunshine in and count your chickens before they've hatched, but have faith! 

Have faith because it isn't only your prayers He is hearing. He hears mine, He hears mama's, He hears prayers of SO MANY people that are praying on your behalf.

He has heard the many nights you've stayed awake crying and praying and wishing with all your heart.

He has heard me begging Him to give you a baby because your pain makes my heart hurt so much, and nobody is more deserving than you. If I could just GIVE you a baby I would have, long ago.

So dear sister, have faith! Let the hope steal your heart and KNOW that one way or another,  this is going to happen for you. And I just can't wait.

A Love Story For the Ages

Dear Ty,

Maybe I don't tell you enough how grateful I am for you, and for the wonderful relationship we have. You and I have overcome so many obstacles and proved wrong so many naysayers. We're making our dreams a reality together!

I love that you are my home and my safe place. Even on the days that we are snippy with each other or when we argue more than we should,  I know that when we climb in bed at night you'll still hold out your arm for me to come lay with you. At the end of the day, you're always the one I run to.

You're the only one who can calm my anxious mind. You wrap me in a big hug and stroke my hair until I feel better. You are my rock and the calm in my storm. 

Every time we go through a rough patch or a hard place together, we always come out stronger and closer. I love the way we have no-boundaries communication and tell each other absolutely everything, even the things that are hard to say. 

I love how our love keeps getting better with time. We are always working on the hard things and becoming more patient and better forgivers. We are getting to understand the reasons behind the ornery days and getting better at putting ourselves in each other's shoes.

I'm so grateful for a husband who never gives up on me and is more than willing to work on our relationship and change the things that need changing or improving. 

I'm grateful to be married to a dreamer like myself, to be married to someone who is always looking for ways to grow and better himself.

I believe in you and in us so much. I know we can accomplish ANYTHING together. We're the perfect team. Thank you for giving me a love story for the ages; for giving me a love that is kind and forgiving and withstands the storms and the test of time. I'm so glad I get to do forever with you!