That Pivotal Moment

The moment I first felt like a mother...

I wouldn't highlight it as the moment I first felt baby kick.

Or the moment when I first heard that wonderful cry.

Or the moment when they laid my beautiful boy on my chest.

I wouldn't even say it was when we were finally all home as a family.

I recall very early on in my pregnancy, (I was probably 5 or 6 weeks along) I was riding through my father-in-law's field on a colt with my husband. Now, it wasn't a bad colt and he wasn't super green. But I also recall it being the only time I was truly afraid on a horse. He got a little silly about crossing a ditch and I burst into tears.

Tyrell had no idea what to make of this, never having had to worry about me on a horse before.

The difference this time is that I wasn't worried about myself. I was worried about the tiny child growing inside of me, despite the fact the only evidence was a pregnancy test and I'm not sure Ty quite believed it was true! 

That was the moment. 

It was a pivotal moment of huge change in my life, one I will always remember.

My normally fearless, I'll-try-anything-once self had turned into something else entirely.

Suddenly my brain was working overtime thinking of all the things that could go wrong.

That hasn't really stopped since then. Now, I have two little ones to worry about. 

Isn't that what being a mother is all about? Constantly thinking of someone else's needs, worrying about someone else's well being? 

I sometimes miss being able to live in the moment more, to be fearless, to be willing to try anything. But I wouldn't trade my babies, or the person I've become because of them, for the world. 

XO, The Cowboy's Wife

Sedentary Life

If our great-grandparents could time travel to our day and age, I suppose it would be obvious to them why depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are so rampant. Why they appear in such high numbers. Imagine what they would see when observing our daily lives:

A person waking in their home to go to their 9-5, commuting on a crowded freeway in a smoggy city with thousands of others doing the same thing. They spend their day in an office, working for someone else. They then commute home on the same road in the same smog with the same thousands of people. They walk inside and turn on the tv, then go to bed late. 

I wonder if our ancestors look down on us and say, "Don't you do anything else?" 

Most people don't know how to plant a garden. Or raise animals for meat. Or milk a cow. Or hunt. Or do a lot of the basic things our ancestors did that was just a part of their daily survival. They were busy. They were always building, doing, working towards something. They knew exactly their purpose and why they were doing what they were doing.

I wonder if they would look at our past times and wonder why we spend so much time doing...nothing. Watching TV. Scrolling on our phones. Playing computer games. 

People weren't meant to be so dang sedentary. Get out there and find a purpose! Dig in the dirt. Create something. Build something. Set a goal and then work hard to achieve it! Wake up in the morning and cook breakfast, then GO OUTSIDE. Leave the job you hate. There are so many other options. Be brave enough to build yourself a happy life. 

XO, The Cowboy's Wife

Daydreams

There's a dream in my heart. 

A big, beautiful daydream.

It's made up of horses and cows, grassy fields and running streams. 

Mountains high, a valley green, with a small cabin backed up against the hills.

I look out across this land and am overwhelmed by the immensity of it. Can this really be mine?

But of course, it belongs to He who put this dream inside of me. 

I am simply the steward of this beautiful land, caretaker of animals who belong to this little valley. 

I spend my days in awe of Him, loving this simple and beautiful life, living and working by the sweat of my brow. 

I feel exhaustion in my bones and peace in my heart at the end of each day, and I know I am where I'm meant to be.

What a Difference You've Made in My Life

My sweet Cas,

Lately, you and I have been spending a lot more one on one time together. Big brother has started preschool and although we miss his entertaining self a few hours a week, I'm grateful for this time. Your little personality seems to shine even more when it's just us.

You're so funny with your different laughs; growly laugh, high pitched laugh, and your just can't help it giggle. You give me your sweet smile when you know you're in trouble, and wait for me to smile back. I really can't help but do so. 

My little blondie, you melt my heart and surprise me with something new every day. You say new words or pick up a funny new habit that I love, but know it will only last for a little while. 

You're getting so big, and I love watching you grow and change! You're such a whirlwind, but somehow you're still the peace in my days. The way you say mama and run to me just melts me. You'd rather be with me than anyone and I'm enjoying that while it lasts. 

Your sweet, funny, light spirit never fails to lift my own spirits. You're such a tease, just like your dad and also your Grandpa Richard. I guess we named you after the right person.

 What a difference you've made in my life my little blondie boy. I can't imagine what I ever did without you. I love you more than words can say, little big guy. I hope you always run to me. 

Grateful For You

 I'm grateful for you. I think of you every time my husband plays with our kids. I think of you when he has far more patience with me than I deserve. I think of you when he listens to all my troubles without a word, but with an open and loving heart. I think of you when I'm too serious with myself and he makes me laugh with one of his little jokes, reminding me not to sweat the small stuff. I'm grateful that he got these traits from you.

I'm grateful for the time before Ty and I got married when I was with you at church and you introduced me like this:

"This is Hallee. She's going to be my daughter and I'm so excited!" 

I am beyond lucky that you welcomed me into your family and accepted me as your own. I feel at home in your house and in your company. 

I'm grateful that you provide a wonderful example for everyone around you. You accept everyone with open arms and zero judgment, and a "more the merrier" attitude. You have changed my own attitude and my heart with your example. 

Thank you for being supportive of our future goals and dreams, and for always doing whatever you can to help us accomplish those things. We love you for being forever supportive, but always sitting back and watching us make our own choices. Thank you for being there for us always, in the big moments and the small ones.

You don't know what it means to me that you will sit and listen...to the struggles of my heart, to my complaints, to my funny and strange stories. To my future plans. To my random thoughts. I don't get much adult interaction and so I fear you are often the victim of my word vomit. But you accept it with unending patience and a listening  ear.

Thank you for always responding with kindness and thoughtfulness to my questions and sometimes judgments about others. You always keep me on the right track for leaning towards understanding instead of criticism.

You are an angel and a light in my life and in the life of my boys. An amazing bonus mom for me, a perfect grandma for my boys, and the wonderful woman who raised my equally wonderful husband. Every single day, I'm grateful for you.

When It Was All Just a Dream (pt 3)

I look over at you, riding in the truck next to me. Our hands are entwined on the console, our favorite song on the radio, and the kids are asleep in the backseat. We've got this year's calf crop in the trailer behind us, and we're on our way to the sale. Remember when it was all just a dream?

Last night, we sorted cows and calves and the boys did their best to "help". Tell stood on the fence and yelled at the cows and Castle kept saying moo cows! Over and over. These boys were born loving this life. Sharing our passion with them and watching them develop a passion for it too is nothing short of incredible. Remember when it was all just a dream?

I remember being 16 and just knowing our life in a few years would be amazing. We'd have our own cows, some nice horses, and a couple of cute kiddos to haul around. It was a pipe dream, then. 

Look at us now.

Remember when all of this was just a dream? But that was eight years ago.

8 years of craziness, passion, big dreams, love, frustration, hard work, realization of dreams, the best days of our lives so far, mundane and ordinary days, life struggles, health problems, new challenges, opportunities, tons of growth, and it has all put us where we are. Remember when it was all just a dream?

Real life is harder than we dreamed, I think. But I couldn't have imagined the incredible beauty of our lives together. The way trials shape us and help us grow stronger, the way every day life is filled with love and laughter, the way you are my one constant and the rock I can lean on no matter how hard life gets. What a great privilege it has been to get to grow up with you, and now to grow old with you. You are my biggest dream and my greatest adventure.

We have come so far together, and only have forever to go!

In a few years, when more of our dreams are realized, we can look back on this wonderful, simple time of living on love and say, "Remember when it was all just a dream?"

He Will Carry You Through

When you're going through a trial..where do you turn? When you lost your baby, or received a terminal diagnosis, or your home burned down along with all of your precious mementos of a life well lived...or you lost your job, or got divorced, or any of the plethora of things we endure in this life...who did you look to?
Did you maybe turn to the bottle, to numb the hurt? Did you sink down and allow yourself to be crushed under your momentuous pain? Did you turn to loved ones, or find a therapist, or just plain push the pain and hurt far down where you could try to forget about it?
Or did you turn to God in faith? Did you lay your burden down at his feet, and beg for His grace and mercy?
Did you share with Him your misery, and ask how you could possibly endure it? Or why you had to?
God loves you. You are His. He knew what this life would be when He sent you here, and knew you would have to endure loss, rejection, unimaginable pain, terror, sorrow, heartbreak, and anger.
He knew you would want to sink into the depths and stay there. But He gave us a Savior, someone who has felt all the pain we could ever know. He wants you to turn to Him with your pain. He wants to give you peace and understanding. So have faith. Lay your burden down, and He will carry you through it. We will never go through something we can't get through, because He makes up the difference we lack on our own. He will give you hope. He will give you love and joy and peace. You are never alone, and He will carry you through.
XO, The Cowboy's Wife