When It Was All Just a Dream (pt 3)

I look over at you, riding in the truck next to me. Our hands are entwined on the console, our favorite song on the radio, and the kids are asleep in the backseat. We've got this year's calf crop in the trailer behind us, and we're on our way to the sale. Remember when it was all just a dream?

Last night, we sorted cows and calves and the boys did their best to "help". Tell stood on the fence and yelled at the cows and Castle kept saying moo cows! Over and over. These boys were born loving this life. Sharing our passion with them and watching them develop a passion for it too is nothing short of incredible. Remember when it was all just a dream?

I remember being 16 and just knowing our life in a few years would be amazing. We'd have our own cows, some nice horses, and a couple of cute kiddos to haul around. It was a pipe dream, then. 

Look at us now.

Remember when all of this was just a dream? But that was eight years ago.

8 years of craziness, passion, big dreams, love, frustration, hard work, realization of dreams, the best days of our lives so far, mundane and ordinary days, life struggles, health problems, new challenges, opportunities, tons of growth, and it has all put us where we are. Remember when it was all just a dream?

Real life is harder than we dreamed, I think. But I couldn't have imagined the incredible beauty of our lives together. The way trials shape us and help us grow stronger, the way every day life is filled with love and laughter, the way you are my one constant and the rock I can lean on no matter how hard life gets. What a great privilege it has been to get to grow up with you, and now to grow old with you. You are my biggest dream and my greatest adventure.

We have come so far together, and only have forever to go!

In a few years, when more of our dreams are realized, we can look back on this wonderful, simple time of living on love and say, "Remember when it was all just a dream?"

He Will Carry You Through

When you're going through a trial..where do you turn? When you lost your baby, or received a terminal diagnosis, or your home burned down along with all of your precious mementos of a life well lived...or you lost your job, or got divorced, or any of the plethora of things we endure in this life...who did you look to?
Did you maybe turn to the bottle, to numb the hurt? Did you sink down and allow yourself to be crushed under your momentuous pain? Did you turn to loved ones, or find a therapist, or just plain push the pain and hurt far down where you could try to forget about it?
Or did you turn to God in faith? Did you lay your burden down at his feet, and beg for His grace and mercy?
Did you share with Him your misery, and ask how you could possibly endure it? Or why you had to?
God loves you. You are His. He knew what this life would be when He sent you here, and knew you would have to endure loss, rejection, unimaginable pain, terror, sorrow, heartbreak, and anger.
He knew you would want to sink into the depths and stay there. But He gave us a Savior, someone who has felt all the pain we could ever know. He wants you to turn to Him with your pain. He wants to give you peace and understanding. So have faith. Lay your burden down, and He will carry you through it. We will never go through something we can't get through, because He makes up the difference we lack on our own. He will give you hope. He will give you love and joy and peace. You are never alone, and He will carry you through.
XO, The Cowboy's Wife 

To Castle, on His First Birthday

To my sweet Cas on your first birthday,

My little big guy, you have changed my world more than you know. You came into our lives and all of the turmoil and anxiety in me stopped every time I looked at your sweet face. You are still the peace in my days, and I love that you don't ever want me out of your sight. You tag along wherever I go, and your sweet smile and the way you love to snuggle up with me just gives me the calm I need to tamp down my anxious mind. 

You are sweeter than sweet, quiet and mellow. You'll never know how much I need you. More than you'll ever need me, I'm sure. You have changed my heart, and I'm reminded by you to just slow down and enjoy the moment. You play quietly by yourself and I have to stop all the busy things I'm doing and sit down to play with you. You look at me with that little sideways smile, come over and snuggle and give me kisses, and go right back to playing! 

You're so strong, stubborn, and very determined. You're not easily frustrated or upset and I love that these qualities in you remind me so much of your daddy. 

We spent your birthday out at cow camp and you had a blast playing in the dirt and riding the horses around. You sure are a little cowboy, and I love the way you take to a horse like you were born up there.

You adore that big brother of yours, and he loves you so much. He is always trying to help you or play with you and I love the way you two get along. He always calls you his best friend, and I hope you are always that close.

You should always remember who and where you came from. You were named for a very special man in our family, and you bring heaven just that much closer because of that. I know our loved ones watching over us will be proud of who you become.

I know you will be such a special person who does great things in your life. Your loyalty and honesty will take you far. I know that your quiet and thoughtful nature will grow and develop, and you will be an intuitive and sensitive person with a deep love and loyalty for those close to you. 

You are such a special boy, my little Cas. You are the peace and calm in every day, and you will bless so many people with that beautiful soul in your lifetime.

Mama and Daddy love you so much, little big guy. We can't wait to see who you become!

Who Will You Become?

God gave me a dreamer's mentality.

He gave me a belief in big dreams. 

He gave me an inquisitive nature and the desire to look inside myself and those who surround me.

He filled me with the need to know why people think the way they do, including myself. 

He gave me these traits to prepare me for immense personal change. 

He put trials and changes of life before me to change me and mold me for His plan for my life.

He made me a mother so I would know the meaning of sacrifice, fortitude, and persistence. 

He gave me a boy who pushes boundaries and forces me to improve myself in order to teach him to be a good human. 

He gave me the experience of a long and rough pregnancy, full of health issues and fears about my own mortality to teach me that perseverance and leaning on Him are the only ways you get through. But the end result is so worth it.

It was needful for me to go through the fire, through those pressures to help me BECOME. 

To become the person deserving of the blessings He is putting into my life. 

To become the person who can understand the importance of these blessings, and handle the immense responsibilities that come along with them.

To become someone who can forge the way for my family, on the way to our huge dreams. 

To become someone who can help others do the same.

I am proud of the person He is helping me become. I am so grateful for the immense blessings He is putting into my life.

We are all becoming something, whether you're becoming someone better on purpose, or letting life decide for you. In the end, you can look back on your life with pride for who you worked to become, or with regret at all you could've become but never did.

Which will it be for you?

Will you recognize God's hand in your life and His plan for you, and take action?

Or will you do nothing and let life pass you by?

Decide today! Look inside yourself, because that is where change begins.

XO, The Cowboy's Wife

A Long Line of Feral Women

I come from a long line of feral women. Strong-willed, independent thinking women, with strength and fortitude and faith in God.

My great-great grandmothers on my maternal Grandmother's side were SOMETHING.  

Grandma Georgiana had 5 kids in 5 years ya'll. In the early 1900s, she had TWO SETS OF TWINS. This tiny little lady birthed two sets of twins and they all survived. 

She stayed up the night through when all 5 of her kids had whooping cough at the same time, gently shaking them one at a time to help clear the mucus from their lungs. She saved all five of her children.

Her husband was a traveling salesman and she was often alone. She cared for 5 small children with no electricity, no running water, nothing. She had to drive her buggy to town to get water to drink. 

She then had to keep alive 3 wild boys whose main goal in life may have been to drive her up a wall. Running their ponies through the house, playing chicken, and general chaos must have encompassed her days.

My grandma Chloe raised 11 CHILDREN, in a tiny little house in a tiny little town. She also raised two of her grandchildren. She lost a son at 16 from spinal meningitis, and another shortly after he returned from the war and was killed by hitch hikers. 

Grandma Chloe was a midwife and cared for the Native American women on a nearby Reservation. She was patient, caring, and empathetic.

Six of her sons served in the military. Our own little boy is proudly named for one of her sons, Cassell Jennings Lindquist, who was named for the doctor that delivered him.

She had 3 wonderful daughters, one of whom was my grandma Golda. She was quite the woman, and I loved her very much. I have always felt so close to her and often feel her presence in my life. 

My own grandmother is one of the biggest influences in my life. She has taught me to have fortitude, be perseverant and long suffering, to be kind but not put up with crap from anyone. She has taught me to be faithful and hopeful, and also grounded and realistic.

My mother has taught me to be selfless and reliable, honest and empathetic. I have learned service and sacrifice by watching her, and know that her love and patience knows no bounds.

When I am going through something hard, I think of the women I have come from and I remember their strength is a part of me. Grandma Georgia traveling in a buggy with 5 wild kids in tow, running a homestead and keeping everyone alive.

Grandma Chloe, with boundless patience and faith, always looking to serve someone and knowing a lot of things you just have to let go.

Grandma Golda, who always prioritized family above all and raised her children with so much love and gentle correction.

Grandma Kaye, who is as tough and as stubborn as they come, and also the most service oriented and compassionate person I know.

My own mother, who drops everything at a moment's notice for anyone who needs her, and silently and with strength and grace, bears her burdens.

I am proud of the line of women who precede me. I am strong because their blood runs through my veins. I am grateful to be part of a line of feral women, the kind of people who do whatever it takes to make it. The kind of women who never gave up and just kept pushing and trying. 

Because I know their stories, I know who I am. I have deep roots and I feel their guiding hands in my life. 

I come from a long line of feral women. Who do you come from?

XO, The Cowboy's Wife 

Happy National Ag Day

PSA: Farmers and Ranchers? Not just ignorant or uneducated rural folks or rednecks. A lot of people in agriculture have some kind of agricultural degree, and many have business degrees that help them, you know, run their business.

Many farmers and ranchers are well versed and very educated in finance so they know how to make the most of their money.

The neighbors down the lane? He earned a PHD in his younger years but gave up a "fancy" career for his true calling. His wife is an English major and used to be a college professor. They are "retired" now (do people in ag ever actually retire?), at least from town jobs, and their farm is now their full time job. 

Of course, a lot of farm and ranch education comes from real life experience, also referred to as the school of hard knocks. Hard work and common sense beats book learning anyways, because you can't succeed without knowing how real life works. 

The smartest and most well grounded and realistic people I know are, you guessed it, farmers and ranchers. They are flexible, versatile, jacks of all trades. They are mechanics, plumbers, electricians, carpenters, and scientists. They are therapists, trainers, EMTs, and everything in between. They do what needs to be done to finish the job or fix the problem. 

They are straightforward in business deals and politics, and they believe the Bible gives the best guidance in life.

Next time you need advice on something, be it life or career, seek out your local farmer or rancher. They'll give it to ya straight, and won't be likely to steer you wrong.  

They give the best, big perspective advice because they know how to accept the storms along with the sunshine and know it's all just part of life. 

So support your local farmers and ranchers, because along with all this value, you know, they feed the planet 😉

XO, The Cowboy's Wife 

The Light at The End of The Tunnel

I didn't know what had gone wrong. The birth of my child and the end of my pregnancy was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I was thoroughly depressed and miserable, and that light kept me going. 

So....why wasn't everything okay when I expected it to be? Why did you feel like a tiny stranger when they placed you on my chest? I loved you so much, and yet...that instant connection wasn't there like it had been the first time. I knew what to do because I'd done it all before. I loved to hold you and cuddle you but I didn't feel the connection. 

You needed me all the time. I couldn't put you down for more than five minutes. In some moments, I was consumed and amazed by your beautiful face. In other moments, I couldn't stop crying because you wouldn't stop crying. 

I wasn't healthy physically, and some days I could barely get off the couch. Mentally, I wondered what the hell happened to my light at the end of the depression tunnel. That dark, lonely place you feel you’ll never escape from.

It only escalated when you started getting older. 6 weeks came, and the eye contact and the smiles just weren't happening like I expected. At least not for me. But for others, they came easily.

I wondered if you hated me. Which is ridiculous, and I knew it, but I couldn't help the way I felt. I still couldn't connect with you on the level I did with your brother. All I was good for was food and comfort, and you had to sleep with me at night. I loved it though, because I felt needed by you. But when it came to socializing, I felt you were indifferent about me. 

You smiled for Auntie and Grandma and everyone in between. But not for me. No eye contact or smiles for Mama. Of course, I researched and learned that sometimes new babies take a while to learn Mama is actually a separate person and so they socialize with others first. The facts didn't matter to my disconnected heart. I felt a deep pang and I tried desperately to get you to smile for me.

I remember the day that first real connection came. I was sitting on the edge of my bed holding you, just staring at your beautiful face and having a quiet moment. You looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes, and suddenly something switched. You realized this was Mama. Your eyes took on a loving gaze and you gave me the most beautiful smile. That crooked little smile of yours that melts me every time. 

Most everything in life requires time and patience, especially healing. And now nearly a year later, I feel I have clawed my way out of that hole. Thank you, little one, for being a tremendous reason why.