The Light at The End of The Tunnel

I didn't know what had gone wrong. The birth of my child and the end of my pregnancy was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I was thoroughly depressed and miserable, and that light kept me going. 

So....why wasn't everything okay when I expected it to be? Why did you feel like a tiny stranger when they placed you on my chest? I loved you so much, and yet...that instant connection wasn't there like it had been the first time. I knew what to do because I'd done it all before. I loved to hold you and cuddle you but I didn't feel the connection. 

You needed me all the time. I couldn't put you down for more than five minutes. In some moments, I was consumed and amazed by your beautiful face. In other moments, I couldn't stop crying because you wouldn't stop crying. 

I wasn't healthy physically, and some days I could barely get off the couch. Mentally, I wondered what the hell happened to my light at the end of the depression tunnel. That dark, lonely place you feel you’ll never escape from.

It only escalated when you started getting older. 6 weeks came, and the eye contact and the smiles just weren't happening like I expected. At least not for me. But for others, they came easily.

I wondered if you hated me. Which is ridiculous, and I knew it, but I couldn't help the way I felt. I still couldn't connect with you on the level I did with your brother. All I was good for was food and comfort, and you had to sleep with me at night. I loved it though, because I felt needed by you. But when it came to socializing, I felt you were indifferent about me. 

You smiled for Auntie and Grandma and everyone in between. But not for me. No eye contact or smiles for Mama. Of course, I researched and learned that sometimes new babies take a while to learn Mama is actually a separate person and so they socialize with others first. The facts didn't matter to my disconnected heart. I felt a deep pang and I tried desperately to get you to smile for me.

I remember the day that first real connection came. I was sitting on the edge of my bed holding you, just staring at your beautiful face and having a quiet moment. You looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes, and suddenly something switched. You realized this was Mama. Your eyes took on a loving gaze and you gave me the most beautiful smile. That crooked little smile of yours that melts me every time. 

Most everything in life requires time and patience, especially healing. And now nearly a year later, I feel I have clawed my way out of that hole. Thank you, little one, for being a tremendous reason why.