Who Will You Become?

God gave me a dreamer's mentality.

He gave me a belief in big dreams. 

He gave me an inquisitive nature and the desire to look inside myself and those who surround me.

He filled me with the need to know why people think the way they do, including myself. 

He gave me these traits to prepare me for immense personal change. 

He put trials and changes of life before me to change me and mold me for His plan for my life.

He made me a mother so I would know the meaning of sacrifice, fortitude, and persistence. 

He gave me a boy who pushes boundaries and forces me to improve myself in order to teach him to be a good human. 

He gave me the experience of a long and rough pregnancy, full of health issues and fears about my own mortality to teach me that perseverance and leaning on Him are the only ways you get through. But the end result is so worth it.

It was needful for me to go through the fire, through those pressures to help me BECOME. 

To become the person deserving of the blessings He is putting into my life. 

To become the person who can understand the importance of these blessings, and handle the immense responsibilities that come along with them.

To become someone who can forge the way for my family, on the way to our huge dreams. 

To become someone who can help others do the same.

I am proud of the person He is helping me become. I am so grateful for the immense blessings He is putting into my life.

We are all becoming something, whether you're becoming someone better on purpose, or letting life decide for you. In the end, you can look back on your life with pride for who you worked to become, or with regret at all you could've become but never did.

Which will it be for you?

Will you recognize God's hand in your life and His plan for you, and take action?

Or will you do nothing and let life pass you by?

Decide today! Look inside yourself, because that is where change begins.

XO, The Cowboy's Wife

A Long Line of Feral Women

I come from a long line of feral women. Strong-willed, independent thinking women, with strength and fortitude and faith in God.

My great-great grandmothers on my maternal Grandmother's side were SOMETHING.  

Grandma Georgiana had 5 kids in 5 years ya'll. In the early 1900s, she had TWO SETS OF TWINS. This tiny little lady birthed two sets of twins and they all survived. 

She stayed up the night through when all 5 of her kids had whooping cough at the same time, gently shaking them one at a time to help clear the mucus from their lungs. She saved all five of her children.

Her husband was a traveling salesman and she was often alone. She cared for 5 small children with no electricity, no running water, nothing. She had to drive her buggy to town to get water to drink. 

She then had to keep alive 3 wild boys whose main goal in life may have been to drive her up a wall. Running their ponies through the house, playing chicken, and general chaos must have encompassed her days.

My grandma Chloe raised 11 CHILDREN, in a tiny little house in a tiny little town. She also raised two of her grandchildren. She lost a son at 16 from spinal meningitis, and another shortly after he returned from the war and was killed by hitch hikers. 

Grandma Chloe was a midwife and cared for the Native American women on a nearby Reservation. She was patient, caring, and empathetic.

Six of her sons served in the military. Our own little boy is proudly named for one of her sons, Cassell Jennings Lindquist, who was named for the doctor that delivered him.

She had 3 wonderful daughters, one of whom was my grandma Golda. She was quite the woman, and I loved her very much. I have always felt so close to her and often feel her presence in my life. 

My own grandmother is one of the biggest influences in my life. She has taught me to have fortitude, be perseverant and long suffering, to be kind but not put up with crap from anyone. She has taught me to be faithful and hopeful, and also grounded and realistic.

My mother has taught me to be selfless and reliable, honest and empathetic. I have learned service and sacrifice by watching her, and know that her love and patience knows no bounds.

When I am going through something hard, I think of the women I have come from and I remember their strength is a part of me. Grandma Georgia traveling in a buggy with 5 wild kids in tow, running a homestead and keeping everyone alive.

Grandma Chloe, with boundless patience and faith, always looking to serve someone and knowing a lot of things you just have to let go.

Grandma Golda, who always prioritized family above all and raised her children with so much love and gentle correction.

Grandma Kaye, who is as tough and as stubborn as they come, and also the most service oriented and compassionate person I know.

My own mother, who drops everything at a moment's notice for anyone who needs her, and silently and with strength and grace, bears her burdens.

I am proud of the line of women who precede me. I am strong because their blood runs through my veins. I am grateful to be part of a line of feral women, the kind of people who do whatever it takes to make it. The kind of women who never gave up and just kept pushing and trying. 

Because I know their stories, I know who I am. I have deep roots and I feel their guiding hands in my life. 

I come from a long line of feral women. Who do you come from?

XO, The Cowboy's Wife 

Happy National Ag Day

PSA: Farmers and Ranchers? Not just ignorant or uneducated rural folks or rednecks. A lot of people in agriculture have some kind of agricultural degree, and many have business degrees that help them, you know, run their business.

Many farmers and ranchers are well versed and very educated in finance so they know how to make the most of their money.

The neighbors down the lane? He earned a PHD in his younger years but gave up a "fancy" career for his true calling. His wife is an English major and used to be a college professor. They are "retired" now (do people in ag ever actually retire?), at least from town jobs, and their farm is now their full time job. 

Of course, a lot of farm and ranch education comes from real life experience, also referred to as the school of hard knocks. Hard work and common sense beats book learning anyways, because you can't succeed without knowing how real life works. 

The smartest and most well grounded and realistic people I know are, you guessed it, farmers and ranchers. They are flexible, versatile, jacks of all trades. They are mechanics, plumbers, electricians, carpenters, and scientists. They are therapists, trainers, EMTs, and everything in between. They do what needs to be done to finish the job or fix the problem. 

They are straightforward in business deals and politics, and they believe the Bible gives the best guidance in life.

Next time you need advice on something, be it life or career, seek out your local farmer or rancher. They'll give it to ya straight, and won't be likely to steer you wrong.  

They give the best, big perspective advice because they know how to accept the storms along with the sunshine and know it's all just part of life. 

So support your local farmers and ranchers, because along with all this value, you know, they feed the planet 😉

XO, The Cowboy's Wife 

The Light at The End of The Tunnel

I didn't know what had gone wrong. The birth of my child and the end of my pregnancy was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I was thoroughly depressed and miserable, and that light kept me going. 

So....why wasn't everything okay when I expected it to be? Why did you feel like a tiny stranger when they placed you on my chest? I loved you so much, and yet...that instant connection wasn't there like it had been the first time. I knew what to do because I'd done it all before. I loved to hold you and cuddle you but I didn't feel the connection. 

You needed me all the time. I couldn't put you down for more than five minutes. In some moments, I was consumed and amazed by your beautiful face. In other moments, I couldn't stop crying because you wouldn't stop crying. 

I wasn't healthy physically, and some days I could barely get off the couch. Mentally, I wondered what the hell happened to my light at the end of the depression tunnel. That dark, lonely place you feel you’ll never escape from.

It only escalated when you started getting older. 6 weeks came, and the eye contact and the smiles just weren't happening like I expected. At least not for me. But for others, they came easily.

I wondered if you hated me. Which is ridiculous, and I knew it, but I couldn't help the way I felt. I still couldn't connect with you on the level I did with your brother. All I was good for was food and comfort, and you had to sleep with me at night. I loved it though, because I felt needed by you. But when it came to socializing, I felt you were indifferent about me. 

You smiled for Auntie and Grandma and everyone in between. But not for me. No eye contact or smiles for Mama. Of course, I researched and learned that sometimes new babies take a while to learn Mama is actually a separate person and so they socialize with others first. The facts didn't matter to my disconnected heart. I felt a deep pang and I tried desperately to get you to smile for me.

I remember the day that first real connection came. I was sitting on the edge of my bed holding you, just staring at your beautiful face and having a quiet moment. You looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes, and suddenly something switched. You realized this was Mama. Your eyes took on a loving gaze and you gave me the most beautiful smile. That crooked little smile of yours that melts me every time. 

Most everything in life requires time and patience, especially healing. And now nearly a year later, I feel I have clawed my way out of that hole. Thank you, little one, for being a tremendous reason why.

A Little Cowboy's Prayer

My little boy asked me just the other day, 

"Mama, what happened to Rooster and why did he go away?"

I told my sweet boy that his horse had just been so sick, 

He couldn't stay with us anymore, and in this life he could not stick.

That now he lives with Jesus, and they ride across the sky, 

He's being taught his turn-around

And they rope the calves that run on by.

I helped him say his prayers that night as I put him into bed,

He started to talk to Jesus, and this is what he said:

"Dear God, I know that my horse is up there with you now. Please take the best care of him and make sure to rope some cows.

He loves to be a ranch horse and ride across the plains,

And at the end of the day he likes his butt scratched and his ration of grain.

Make sure to teach him all the things we didn't get to here, 

Like having a good, fast turn around and stopping hard to turn that steer. 

He loves people more than horses, so give him company. 

And be sure to tell him no one will ever love him more than me."

-A Little Cowboy's Prayer

Hallee Nuttall, Feb 7 2021

Daring to Dream

I'm going to ask you a question I want you to SERIOUSLY consider.

What the hell is stopping you from chasing your dreams?!

"What do you mean, Hal? I am going to school and working towards that great job. I am saving money for that house. I am dating a great guy and we're building towards a future together."

No, I don't mean regular life goals. I don't mean your desires that you're pretty sure you'll get to. I don't mean your safe dreams.

I'm talking about your huge, scare-the-pants-off-you, fly-to-the-moon, change your very life goals that you've never told anyone about. Not since you were in kindergarten and someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. Nobody took you seriously then, and you're pretty sure they wouldn't now!

"You want to have a 7 figure income?! But you make 25k a year. That's impossible."

"You want to be a singer? Do you even know the percentage of people that make it in the musical industry?"

"You want to be one of the greats in the horsemanship industry? You only started learning real horsemanship a few years ago. You are just a ranch cowboy."

If you've ever had big dreams, you've also had naysayers. And, purposefully or not, consciously or not, you've let their words into your conscious. You've let them beat you down! You've doubted yourself because of the words of someone who never attained their big dreams, either. 

To hell with that. If you want to be a champion, surround yourself with champions!! You wouldn't take advice from a city slicker about how to run your cows, would you?! No? Then why would you listen to someone who has never attained their big goals and dreams, about attaining your dreams?! 

Grab the opportunities life throws at you. Be BRAVE

Be BOLD 

Be DARING

Be FEARLESS 

in the pursuit of your dreams!! Don't let anyone tell you that you can't. The only thing getting in your way is your own self image!! Stop caring if your huge self improvement, your huge success, your zest for life, your plain BIGness makes people uncomfortable! 

Bet on yourself. 

Bet on your success.

Bet on your ability to achieve greatness! 

Get after it! Don't wait! Start today!

Whatever that may look like for you, run after your dreams like your life depends on it. Because, well, doesn't it?

XO, The Cowboy's Wife 

2020 Year in Review

 This year has been hard on pretty much everyone, I would venture to guess. Maybe for us, it was hard for different reasons than for most. To be honest, COVID didn't really impact our lives. Because of the lifestyle we live, we really didn't change anything about our daily lives. I know we're very lucky to be able to say that. 

2020 was hard on us in much different ways. Just before the end of 2019, I started having pregnancy complications and they carried into the New Year. I started my year being pretty much house bound, and also being sick enough that I had no desire to leave the house anyways. In March, I called Tyrell one day and told him he needed to come home from work. I couldn't breathe and was afraid I would pass out if I got off the couch. We went right to the emergency room at Timpanogos and dropped Tell off at Great-Grandma's house. 

They did a CT scan and it was discovered that I had a pulmonary embolism. After that, I was hospitalized off and on until the baby came, which was a little scary also! I started into labor the morning of my scheduled C-Section, and as soon as they hooked me up to the baby monitors, I had a contraction and his heart rate deceled pretty bad. They prepped me immediately instead of waiting until the time they had scheduled. My doctor said we couldn't wait the full time for the spinal to kick in fully, and so I felt a lot of cutting-tearing-stretching-pulling. But as soon as I heard that first little cry, and the doctor say, 

"It's a boy! And not a small boy!"

None of the pain or the months of sickness, depression, and general misery mattered in the least.

Castle has been a huge blessing and source of peace in our lives. He is the calm for me in the every day storms. 

I had a hard time recovering from this delivery, and had infections and mastitis and seemingly endless complications, and really didn't feel like I was on the uphill for 3 or 4 months. 

This year has been hard on our animals and on our peace as well. Our cute milk cow that I adored had to be put down in July, and my favorite little horse just a month or two later. Our best dog that we've had for 6 years got killed just after weaning her pups. 

We have been in limbo, not knowing what to do next with our lives and not knowing where we should go, yet knowing it feels like it is time to make a change. We so love where we are, the ranch we work for, and the people we are lucky to call our ranch family. It has been the only home we have known together. However, we know we can't stay forever. And so this year has been hard on our peace of mind.

In November, our little Cas was diagnosed with infantile spasms. It was a scary time, not knowing if it would impede his development or if he had some sort of abnormality he would live with for the rest of his life. Our prayers were answered, and Priesthood blessings were given. Our little fella responded quickly to treatment, and our neurologist says that our outcome was absolutely best case scenario. While we don't know whether or not he will develop more seizures or epilepsy later on in life, for now he is doing so well and we couldn't be more grateful for that.

So, while 2020 offered us plenty of hardship and obstacles to overcome, I have grown and learned so much.

I learned that no matter how hard the waves of life pound you, and try to drown you, and just keep coming over and over again even when you thought you were in the clear, it isn't hard to stay optimistic. It is so easy to see all of the wonderful blessings we have. Having faith and sticking close to one another is what has brought my family through the jungle of 2020 with smiles on our faces.

I have learned, or rather reaffirmed, that I am married to an absolute saint. Choosing to love me and treat me with kindness and respect despite the total change of personality when I am pregnant is just the icing on the cake. We have broken down barriers and learned so much about each other this year. We have renewed our promise to love each other for better or worse, and a lot of times this year it was the latter for both of us. Knowing that you have someone to stand beside you and pick you up when you're down in the dirt is an amazing feeling. Marriage is never 50/50 and we have both spend our share being the 20% person. We both know we're allowed that because the other person will pick up the slack and push on for both of us. We have become much closer and much stronger this year.

I learned that I just don't deserve my beautiful boys. Tell is my sunshine and makes all my days brighter with his constant laughter and a smile never far from his lips. I have learned more about unconditional love from my children than I even knew could exist. They love me on my grumpy days, my haven't-showered-for-a-while days, my impatient days where I yell more than I should, and everything in between. They both want to cuddle with me, give me loves and kisses, and Tell is always saying "Love you mom!" I really don't deserve these angel boys.

We have fallen on some wonderful opportunities and a lot of answered prayers in the last month. My cute husband keeps pushing me to follow my dreams, and makes sure I'm there to work colts with him. He pushes me past my fears and makes me get on some (the gentle ones). He pushes me to take time for myself and rediscover my first love and passion, which is working with my horses, the young ones in particular. My family has become my greatest passion, and so my kids get most of my time as they should. But Ty knows that I need a break every once in a while and makes sure I take one.

I am beyond grateful for the life and the family Ty and I have created together. It's all I've ever wanted, and more than I could've possibly dreamed. I can't wait to see where 2021 takes us. I have a feeling it's going to be a big year for us, and hopefully we will see some fulfilled dreams. No matter what happens, I'm so lucky to do life with my family, and all of my people. I'm grateful for every single one of you!

XO, the Cowboy's Wife