The Old Brahma Cross

I had a cowboy job one summer when I was 20. I'd spent my day off grooming horses and cleaning tack. I got a call from Jim asking me to leave as soon as possible and meet him at his house. I loaded up my grulla pony and headed his way. He said we had cows out up on the Crane Place.

We headed up the mountain..it was the end of June and we'd had the driest, hottest spring in years. It was 95 degrees and about 3pm when we jumped our horses out of the trailer. Jim told me it would be a fast trip so we didn't bother taking water with us.

We started up the road near the old homestead, where a rock foundation still stands. My horse jumped about a mile and there was a rattler curled under some sagebrush alongside the road. Jim shot it, only to find two more by the foundation. Underneath the old house was a huge nest of rattlers, the biggest ones I'd seen. My little horse got nervous every time we went up there after that.

We continued up the road to gather up the few pair of mother cows and calves we could find. They'd gotten into the hayfield. Since it was time to move all the cows off the Crane Place, we decided to push them into the corral and load them in the trailer. The trouble was, one of the cows was a big, old, mean brahma cross. Huge, brindle, horned and cranky, the old gal was a sight to behold. She wasn't too fond of us trying to push her in the trailer. We got her calf in, but she'd come from clear across the corral and ram my little horse. She went for Jim and I thought for sure she'd hook his old mare. But she made straight for the fence, cleared it, and away she went. We gave up on her that day.

After our trek back to the trailer, our quick little jaunt had turned into about 4 hours. I was dusty, hot, and thirsty. And my poor little horse shook every time he saw that cow thereafter. 

Tell Is 6

My sweetest baby boy,

I don't know how you're growing up on me so fast. I often feel cheated because the oldest child has to grow up so quick and I know it's not fair to either of us. I'm so grateful for you and the patience you have for me, trying to learn how to parent and having to experiment on you. The trouble is, you change every day. And so, I have to try new things every day.

You're always sweet, kind, and helpful and always so forgiving of your less-than-perfect mama. 

You're getting to the age that you want to be older than you are, and I know we butt heads a lot. We're both stubborn and opinionated and have to learn things the hard way. But since we're so alike, it also means that I understand you in ways nobody else can. I'm grateful we have that connection.

I know this year has been hard on you, and that having a new baby means that I don't have a lot of time every day to spend just hanging out with you. Just know it will get better as she gets older, and know I'm here for you always, even if we don't get a lot of time just for the two of us anymore. 

I'm so proud of the person you're becoming, and the sweet and caring boy you've always been. You are the most thoughtful, empathetic, wonderful kid. You always see the good in others and have patience for people, like your dad does. You're the cutest little cowboy and love to ride Brownie Girl. Nettie is your best little friend and you'd take her everywhere if you could. You're good at everything you try, and you're so determined when you really want to learn something. 

I'm proud of you, Tell, and I love you so much. Today and every day. I can't believe you're 6.

Love, Mama

Castle is 5

Dear Cas,

You're growing up way too fast little buddy!

You've grown and changed so much in the last year. You became a big brother and are always watching out for Montie and helping me with her however you can. 

You are so sweet and loving, and very loyal to your people. You are reckless and full of sass and energy. You give me a heart attack almost every day, but I wouldn't have it any other way! You're totally fearless and love to try new things.

Big groups of people are not your favorite and you don't really like strangers, but you love to be surrounded by the people you love. Tell is your favorite person and you want to do everything he does. He's your best buddy and I'm so glad you two are such good friends.

You have a sweet and sensitive side you don't show to everyone, but you always have love and hugs for me and I love that. I'm the only person that will do if you're hurt or embarrassed and I'm here for all those moments, every day. 

You still live up to your nickname "Crash" although you're also extremely good at anything you try and pick up new skills like it's no effort at all. 

You're so smart, funny, brave, wild, loud, and sweet, all wrapped up in a little blond package. We love you the most, Cassy boy. I can't believe you're 5!

Love, Mama

I Don't Ever See Us Growing Apart

I don't ever see us growing apart.

We've grown up together. We've become adults and parents together. We've pulled ourselves and sometimes each other up by our bootstraps when things got tough. 

We've matured and grown so much emotionally in the decade we've known each other. For the most part, we've done it together. Sometimes, it's me learning something and teaching it to you. Other times, it's you motivating me and sometimes pulling me along while you're working towards something.

I don't ever see us growing apart.

We choose each other time after time. Sometimes there's a little bit of drift, and we have to reconnect. But we always do. Sometimes we're each lost in our own world, our own responsibilities and it feels like we're far apart. Then we'll walk a day in each other's shoes and remember that we're in this together.

I don't ever see us growing apart.

We're so different in the way we think and do most things, and naturally that can cause frustration. But our goals for this life and our biggest passions remain synonymous. 

I don't ever see us growing apart. We remain hand in hand through life's many ups and downs. I see us..

Growing up

Growing together

Growing in love

Growing our family

Growing our dreams

Growing old

But never apart.

XO

The Cowboy's Wife 

When It Hits Me That You're Gone

I drive away from my parents' house and see the lights on in your living room through the back yard. I wonder if you guys are eating ice cream and watching your show-and then it hits me, you're not there at all. It hits me full in the chest and my husband asks what's wrong as tears stream down my face. 

I watch my boys herd our cows down the road on their ponies and think how much you'll love the pictures and videos-then I remember I can't show them to you. 

I want to ask you about how the fall gather went on the ranch and if you've heard from your old boss lately-

I want to tell you how much we've been blessed this year, how well selling our calves went, that my shag dog had puppies yet again, and do you want one this time? 

I want you to see how fast Montie is growing and what awesome little cowboys my boys are turning into. 

These thoughts come unbidden and automatically. So naturally, because you were so ingrained into my life and my subconscious. And every time it hits me that you're gone, it's like I'm hearing it for the first time all over again. 

You were the best friend I ever had. 

Mostly Mama

Her days used to be mostly muddy boots, sweaty saddle blankets, and dirty fingernails. A horse and a rope, a good cow dog or two.

These days, it's mostly poopy diapers, yelling voices, little feet running. She hears "Mama" more times than she can count in a day. She cooks, folds the laundry (again), wipes a nose, breaks up a fight, dries some tears. She laughs at their antics, reads them books, tucks them in bed and kisses them goodnight.

She has the heart and the courage to be a cowboy and a Mama..and being a mama takes more heart than anything else she's done. Especially raising the next generation of cowboys. 

It's a lot to take on most days, but she's up for it. She knows she can do it because she's done a lot of hard things. And the payout is sure rich in joy and love. 

She misses the days when she was mostly a cowboy. But she's sure grateful right now to be mostly mama.

Til He Was Gone

When he was gone, I knew it was really over. Childhood...the slow, beautiful, warm, nostalgic, safe days of my life. Running barefoot through our backyard to his, seeing him getting the garden ready to plant. Him yelling at me to get some shoes on.

Climbing the corral fence to brush the winter hair off the horses, feeling their whiskers tickle my neck. Nothing smells like the horses on a warm spring day.

Pulling the weeds popping up in the sandbox so we can start our next masterpiece, smelling the fresh mowed lawn. Grandma calls from inside to come eat a hot, fresh cookie. 

Feeling the sun warm on my back as I sit at a picnic table, not worried about anything but this moment. Thinking I might take off on a bareback, barefoot ride on one of the horses like I have so many times before.

I've been grown for years now, and I have a family of my own. But my childhood wasn't really over until he was gone.

I walk through their quiet house, once full of his smile and quips, swearing he's going to come out of the next room any second. I stand in the coat closet, breathing in his scent. Old Spice mixed with breath mints from his church coat pocket. Something is gone now I'll never get back.

It wasn't really over until he was gone.