When It Hits Me That You're Gone

I drive away from my parents' house and see the lights on in your living room through the back yard. I wonder if you guys are eating ice cream and watching your show-and then it hits me, you're not there at all. It hits me full in the chest and my husband asks what's wrong as tears stream down my face. 

I watch my boys herd our cows down the road on their ponies and think how much you'll love the pictures and videos-then I remember I can't show them to you. 

I want to ask you about how the fall gather went on the ranch and if you've heard from your old boss lately-

I want to tell you how much we've been blessed this year, how well selling our calves went, that my shag dog had puppies yet again, and do you want one this time? 

I want you to see how fast Montie is growing and what awesome little cowboys my boys are turning into. 

These thoughts come unbidden and automatically. So naturally, because you were so ingrained into my life and my subconscious. And every time it hits me that you're gone, it's like I'm hearing it for the first time all over again. 

You were the best friend I ever had. 

Mostly Mama

Her days used to be mostly muddy boots, sweaty saddle blankets, and dirty fingernails. A horse and a rope, a good cow dog or two.

These days, it's mostly poopy diapers, yelling voices, little feet running. She hears "Mama" more times than she can count in a day. She cooks, folds the laundry (again), wipes a nose, breaks up a fight, dries some tears. She laughs at their antics, reads them books, tucks them in bed and kisses them goodnight.

She has the heart and the courage to be a cowboy and a Mama..and being a mama takes more heart than anything else she's done. Especially raising the next generation of cowboys. 

It's a lot to take on most days, but she's up for it. She knows she can do it because she's done a lot of hard things. And the payout is sure rich in joy and love. 

She misses the days when she was mostly a cowboy. But she's sure grateful right now to be mostly mama.