Til He Was Gone

When he was gone, I knew it was really over. Childhood...the slow, beautiful, warm, nostalgic, safe days of my life. Running barefoot through our backyard to his, seeing him getting the garden ready to plant. Him yelling at me to get some shoes on.

Climbing the corral fence to brush the winter hair off the horses, feeling their whiskers tickle my neck. Nothing smells like the horses on a warm spring day.

Pulling the weeds popping up in the sandbox so we can start our next masterpiece, smelling the fresh mowed lawn. Grandma calls from inside to come eat a hot, fresh cookie. 

Feeling the sun warm on my back as I sit at a picnic table, not worried about anything but this moment. Thinking I might take off on a bareback, barefoot ride on one of the horses like I have so many times before.

I've been grown for years now, and I have a family of my own. But my childhood wasn't really over until he was gone.

I walk through their quiet house, once full of his smile and quips, swearing he's going to come out of the next room any second. I stand in the coat closet, breathing in his scent. Old Spice mixed with breath mints from his church coat pocket. Something is gone now I'll never get back.

It wasn't really over until he was gone.

When It Was All Just a Dream (pt 6)

I heard the theme song today from one of Tell's favorite shows from when he was tiny. It transported me instantly back in time to chubby faces and hands, tiny voices calling me Mama, (when did they stop calling me mama?) the patter of tiny feet running through the house. I felt so nostalgic, thinking of what a dream that time was.

I also remember dreaming of days ahead when we'd have our own house, nicer vehicles, more kids....remember when this was all just a dream?

We're in a different place now. The boys are getting so big and turning into such capable fellas. They're so helpful to me and love their baby sister. Remember when it was all just a dream?

The house, it's been a project. But it's also such a dream come true. It's getting to be a beautiful, lovely home. We have several dependable vehicles now, and nicer things than we had before. Remember when it was all just a dream?

Despite it all, I find myself longing for the simpler days when I spent all my time at home with the boys, just enjoying watching them grow. I get to repeat the process with our dream-come-true baby girl now, but I'm much busier this time around. It's different, but still wonderful. This little family we've built...remember when it was all just a dream? 

We've been blessed immeasurably. We have everything we could ever need. 

Remember when it was all just a dream?

Seven years of growing and loving together have gone by in a flash. We're not the same people who said "I do" that day. We're much better. More mature, more skillful, a little bit wiser. I can't wait to see what the next year brings, and then I hope for at least 60 more. It's a beautiful life with you.

Remember when it was all just a dream?