When It Hits Me That You're Gone

I drive away from my parents' house and see the lights on in your living room through the back yard. I wonder if you guys are eating ice cream and watching your show-and then it hits me, you're not there at all. It hits me full in the chest and my husband asks what's wrong as tears stream down my face. 

I watch my boys herd our cows down the road on their ponies and think how much you'll love the pictures and videos-then I remember I can't show them to you. 

I want to ask you about how the fall gather went on the ranch and if you've heard from your old boss lately-

I want to tell you how much we've been blessed this year, how well selling our calves went, that my shag dog had puppies yet again, and do you want one this time? 

I want you to see how fast Montie is growing and what awesome little cowboys my boys are turning into. 

These thoughts come unbidden and automatically. So naturally, because you were so ingrained into my life and my subconscious. And every time it hits me that you're gone, it's like I'm hearing it for the first time all over again. 

You were the best friend I ever had. 

Mostly Mama

Her days used to be mostly muddy boots, sweaty saddle blankets, and dirty fingernails. A horse and a rope, a good cow dog or two.

These days, it's mostly poopy diapers, yelling voices, little feet running. She hears "Mama" more times than she can count in a day. She cooks, folds the laundry (again), wipes a nose, breaks up a fight, dries some tears. She laughs at their antics, reads them books, tucks them in bed and kisses them goodnight.

She has the heart and the courage to be a cowboy and a Mama..and being a mama takes more heart than anything else she's done. Especially raising the next generation of cowboys. 

It's a lot to take on most days, but she's up for it. She knows she can do it because she's done a lot of hard things. And the payout is sure rich in joy and love. 

She misses the days when she was mostly a cowboy. But she's sure grateful right now to be mostly mama.

Til He Was Gone

When he was gone, I knew it was really over. Childhood...the slow, beautiful, warm, nostalgic, safe days of my life. Running barefoot through our backyard to his, seeing him getting the garden ready to plant. Him yelling at me to get some shoes on.

Climbing the corral fence to brush the winter hair off the horses, feeling their whiskers tickle my neck. Nothing smells like the horses on a warm spring day.

Pulling the weeds popping up in the sandbox so we can start our next masterpiece, smelling the fresh mowed lawn. Grandma calls from inside to come eat a hot, fresh cookie. 

Feeling the sun warm on my back as I sit at a picnic table, not worried about anything but this moment. Thinking I might take off on a bareback, barefoot ride on one of the horses like I have so many times before.

I've been grown for years now, and I have a family of my own. But my childhood wasn't really over until he was gone.

I walk through their quiet house, once full of his smile and quips, swearing he's going to come out of the next room any second. I stand in the coat closet, breathing in his scent. Old Spice mixed with breath mints from his church coat pocket. Something is gone now I'll never get back.

It wasn't really over until he was gone.

When It Was All Just a Dream (pt 6)

I heard the theme song today from one of Tell's favorite shows from when he was tiny. It transported me instantly back in time to chubby faces and hands, tiny voices calling me Mama, (when did they stop calling me mama?) the patter of tiny feet running through the house. I felt so nostalgic, thinking of what a dream that time was.

I also remember dreaming of days ahead when we'd have our own house, nicer vehicles, more kids....remember when this was all just a dream?

We're in a different place now. The boys are getting so big and turning into such capable fellas. They're so helpful to me and love their baby sister. Remember when it was all just a dream?

The house, it's been a project. But it's also such a dream come true. It's getting to be a beautiful, lovely home. We have several dependable vehicles now, and nicer things than we had before. Remember when it was all just a dream?

Despite it all, I find myself longing for the simpler days when I spent all my time at home with the boys, just enjoying watching them grow. I get to repeat the process with our dream-come-true baby girl now, but I'm much busier this time around. It's different, but still wonderful. This little family we've built...remember when it was all just a dream? 

We've been blessed immeasurably. We have everything we could ever need. 

Remember when it was all just a dream?

Seven years of growing and loving together have gone by in a flash. We're not the same people who said "I do" that day. We're much better. More mature, more skillful, a little bit wiser. I can't wait to see what the next year brings, and then I hope for at least 60 more. It's a beautiful life with you.

Remember when it was all just a dream?

Her Body Is Covered In Stories (Pt 2)

Her body is covered in stories.

With every year that passes, she gains even more. New stretch marks, new scars.

She looks at herself and sees all the changes. All the experiences. All the memories.

She's proud of every flaw. 

Those flaws gave her three beautiful children.

Her body is covered in stories.

She didn't always see it that way. At first it was hard to see everything changing before her eyes. More weight here and there. Lots of stretch marks. A big scar on her abdomen. 

But now, she sees memories. She sees changes within herself. She loves the person she is now, and so how could she not love the way she got here?

She hopes her little girl will grow with the scars she earns too, and love every part of herself. 

She hopes she can be the person to help her daughter see that her body, too, holds the stories of her life. 

Her body is covered in stories.

To Be Their Everything

She wants to be held all day, but I don't mind. Her sweet chubby cheeks, dreamy long eyelashes, and lovely baby smell...I sing to her and rock her as I go about my business. I am her whole world, right now.

They come to me wanting to tell me about every tiny thing they find big and exciting. Or for their stubbed toe, or hurt feelings. I am their everything for a little while longer.

It can be a lot to take on some days, but I don't mind. 

It's so beautiful and fleeting, this season of littles. At times very overwhelming, but always wonderful regardless. What a pleasure and a great honor it is, to be their everything, just for a little while.

For My Little Girl ❤️

My love for you is different. Different than I expected, different than anything I've known. My love for you is all-encompassing just like my love for your brothers. It's not bigger or more, but it is different. 

I get to teach the boys how to be kind and thoughtful and compassionate and how to be a good life partner.

But you little girl. Oh, you. With you, I have such a huge responsibility. Because most of what I teach you lies in the woman that I am, and that I am becoming. And I have so much room for improvement. But because of you, I'm growing into the woman I know I'm meant to be.

I look at your tiny, beautiful face and think of the woman you'll one day be. I pray that you're better than me. I pray that I can be good enough to help you become who you're meant to be. I hope you are wonderful because of the influence I have, not in spite of my influence. I know you'll be wonderful no matter what, but I hope I can make it easier for you to grow into yourself.

I hope that you turn to me for advice and guidance and know I'm your safe place. I hope you can see yourself through my eyes and know how beautiful and wonderful you are. You, baby girl, are pure magic. I can't wait to see who you become. 

Love, Mama

Cas is 4

My little big guy,

    You have grown up so dang much in the last year. I can hardly believe it. You're the same size as Tell now and so many people think you're twins. You have changed so much and are a full fledged big boy now. It's crazy to think my sweet little toddlers are now school aged kids. 

I've loved watching you go to school and make friends, even if you don't always love playing with other kids. Sometimes you'd much rather just hang out with me and I'm definitely okay with that! You always have to wear a "coskume" and are currently obsessed with power rangers and paw patrol. You have such a big imagination and are just so much fun!!

You are a big tease and definitely have an attitude, but you're also so thoughtful, affectionate, and sweet. Only with your closest people though. You come and lay with me every morning when you get up, and tell me, "Mom it's morning! Get out of bed!" And usually give me a kiss on the cheek. 

You've turned into quite the chatterbox lately. You say the funniest things! You really love to spend one on one time with me or dad. You love your big brother to death, most days to the point of driving him crazy! 😅 He is your best buddy and I love that. I'm so excited to watch you become a big brother in just a few weeks. You're such a helpful and loving boy, and I just know you're going to adore your baby sister. 

All you wanted for your birthday this year was to stay in a hotel. So, we are going to Vernal to help some friends brand and staying in a hotel. Your dream weekend! I love you little blondie. I hope you have the best birthday ever.