2020 Year in Review

 This year has been hard on pretty much everyone, I would venture to guess. Maybe for us, it was hard for different reasons than for most. To be honest, COVID didn't really impact our lives. Because of the lifestyle we live, we really didn't change anything about our daily lives. I know we're very lucky to be able to say that. 

2020 was hard on us in much different ways. Just before the end of 2019, I started having pregnancy complications and they carried into the New Year. I started my year being pretty much house bound, and also being sick enough that I had no desire to leave the house anyways. In March, I called Tyrell one day and told him he needed to come home from work. I couldn't breathe and was afraid I would pass out if I got off the couch. We went right to the emergency room at Timpanogos and dropped Tell off at Great-Grandma's house. 

They did a CT scan and it was discovered that I had a pulmonary embolism. After that, I was hospitalized off and on until the baby came, which was a little scary also! I started into labor the morning of my scheduled C-Section, and as soon as they hooked me up to the baby monitors, I had a contraction and his heart rate deceled pretty bad. They prepped me immediately instead of waiting until the time they had scheduled. My doctor said we couldn't wait the full time for the spinal to kick in fully, and so I felt a lot of cutting-tearing-stretching-pulling. But as soon as I heard that first little cry, and the doctor say, 

"It's a boy! And not a small boy!"

None of the pain or the months of sickness, depression, and general misery mattered in the least.

Castle has been a huge blessing and source of peace in our lives. He is the calm for me in the every day storms. 

I had a hard time recovering from this delivery, and had infections and mastitis and seemingly endless complications, and really didn't feel like I was on the uphill for 3 or 4 months. 

This year has been hard on our animals and on our peace as well. Our cute milk cow that I adored had to be put down in July, and my favorite little horse just a month or two later. Our best dog that we've had for 6 years got killed just after weaning her pups. 

We have been in limbo, not knowing what to do next with our lives and not knowing where we should go, yet knowing it feels like it is time to make a change. We so love where we are, the ranch we work for, and the people we are lucky to call our ranch family. It has been the only home we have known together. However, we know we can't stay forever. And so this year has been hard on our peace of mind.

In November, our little Cas was diagnosed with infantile spasms. It was a scary time, not knowing if it would impede his development or if he had some sort of abnormality he would live with for the rest of his life. Our prayers were answered, and Priesthood blessings were given. Our little fella responded quickly to treatment, and our neurologist says that our outcome was absolutely best case scenario. While we don't know whether or not he will develop more seizures or epilepsy later on in life, for now he is doing so well and we couldn't be more grateful for that.

So, while 2020 offered us plenty of hardship and obstacles to overcome, I have grown and learned so much.

I learned that no matter how hard the waves of life pound you, and try to drown you, and just keep coming over and over again even when you thought you were in the clear, it isn't hard to stay optimistic. It is so easy to see all of the wonderful blessings we have. Having faith and sticking close to one another is what has brought my family through the jungle of 2020 with smiles on our faces.

I have learned, or rather reaffirmed, that I am married to an absolute saint. Choosing to love me and treat me with kindness and respect despite the total change of personality when I am pregnant is just the icing on the cake. We have broken down barriers and learned so much about each other this year. We have renewed our promise to love each other for better or worse, and a lot of times this year it was the latter for both of us. Knowing that you have someone to stand beside you and pick you up when you're down in the dirt is an amazing feeling. Marriage is never 50/50 and we have both spend our share being the 20% person. We both know we're allowed that because the other person will pick up the slack and push on for both of us. We have become much closer and much stronger this year.

I learned that I just don't deserve my beautiful boys. Tell is my sunshine and makes all my days brighter with his constant laughter and a smile never far from his lips. I have learned more about unconditional love from my children than I even knew could exist. They love me on my grumpy days, my haven't-showered-for-a-while days, my impatient days where I yell more than I should, and everything in between. They both want to cuddle with me, give me loves and kisses, and Tell is always saying "Love you mom!" I really don't deserve these angel boys.

We have fallen on some wonderful opportunities and a lot of answered prayers in the last month. My cute husband keeps pushing me to follow my dreams, and makes sure I'm there to work colts with him. He pushes me past my fears and makes me get on some (the gentle ones). He pushes me to take time for myself and rediscover my first love and passion, which is working with my horses, the young ones in particular. My family has become my greatest passion, and so my kids get most of my time as they should. But Ty knows that I need a break every once in a while and makes sure I take one.

I am beyond grateful for the life and the family Ty and I have created together. It's all I've ever wanted, and more than I could've possibly dreamed. I can't wait to see where 2021 takes us. I have a feeling it's going to be a big year for us, and hopefully we will see some fulfilled dreams. No matter what happens, I'm so lucky to do life with my family, and all of my people. I'm grateful for every single one of you!

XO, the Cowboy's Wife

Were You Awake Too?

It's currently 2:23 a.m. and my little one won't sleep. Were you awake too?

I can feel the exhaustion through my bones beginning to seep...were you awake too?

Over the weary miles you traveled, only to find no room in the inn.

A young, innocent mother-to-be, so pure and free of sin.

It was late when you finally found a place, so I know it was late when He came.

Your body, worn and travel weary, now also wracked with pain.

I suspect you did as I do, though, instead of sleeping for a time,

You stayed awake because you couldn't help but stare at your little one Divine. 

Did you lay him down in the manger so you could rest for a while?

Or did you hold him close, and stare at that sleepy smile?

Were you overcome with the thought that He is your responsibility now?

The Son of God, a tiny babe, sleeping in your arms with furrowed brow.

I'm certain that in the wee hours, you stayed up thinking it through. Why did God choose me? You wondered. I think the same things too.

I know that God believed in you, and so I know he believes in me. Mothers, He knows, are the ones who will teach us carefully. 

So every night, when my son won't sleep, I wonder the whole night through,

Late at night in that stable in Bethlehem, were you awake too?

The Spirit of the Season

My husband asked me once why I go "Christmas crazy". It happens to a lot of us, as soon as Thanksgiving is over. We feel that spirit of the season, and it totally takes over! It's also crazy busy....Christmas shopping, wrapping presents, making treats for neighbors, planning parties, finishing up Christmas orders for customers...the list goes on. Sometimes, it gets so stressful and that's the opposite of what Christmas is supposed to be. So why do I do it?

For me, it isn't about the presents. Or needing new things. Or keeping up appearances. 

It is about celebrating the greatest gift of all, the birth of a Savior. I feel the best way to celebrate that is to give back in any way I can. 

It's important to me to make sure the people who help us, love us, and support us all year long know just how much we appreciate them. It's important to me to help someone in need. It's important to me to spend quality time with the people I love. It's important to me to make this time of year magical for my kids and create lasting traditions that they will remember, and someday continue in their own families.

So sure, it is a lot to do in one month. But I wouldn't have it any other way!